Males are being asked to adjust to a new worldview. Working wives and mothers expect them to help with cooking and childcare, not just take out the garbage. Athletes still have to hide their sexual preferences in locker rooms and frat houses. And, as Marvel comic hero, Luke Cage, observed, young black men have guns and no fathers.
After Keanon Lowe, the football and track coach at Portland's Parkrose High School, wrestled a legally-purchased shotgun out of a male student's hand and hugged him, TIME magazine (Dec. 23-30, 2019) recognized Mr. Lowe as one of 2019's heroes. Lowe told the 19-year-old who he hugged that he cared about him. "You do?" he responded. Prosecutors learned the shotgun had only one round. It had failed to fire, when the young man attempted to commit suicide outside a bathroom. Mental health treatment was part of his three-year sentence to probation.
A boy's surprise that someone cared for him and the term, "toxic masculinity," suggest a need to nurture males differently. Between the ages of four and six, research finds boys begin to match their behavior to the expectations of others who tell them not to cry, show fear, or make mistakes. When they develop a strong bond with someone, that relationship has a major influence on how they see themselves. Boys are close observers of the way teachers relate to them, for example. Instead of positive encouragement, if boys have trouble with a subject, negative reactions undercut their confidence. To avoid the vulnerability of looking stupid and to maintain the sense of male superiority someone close to him expects, boys probably act out and get suspended.
Maybe female students are more willing to try to resolve conflicts with women teachers, but it seems boys are naturally inclined not to try. Faced with a problem involving a teacher, parent, police officer, or other authority figure, boys have a natural tendency to quit and run away. Adults need to listen to boys, understand their problems, and brain storm ways to cope. My mother loved teenagers. When she taught remedial math to high school students in Chicago, she used to come home and tell us how she had found out about the strange, incorrect ways her students had decided to add a column of numbers. She also allowed no laughing at others in her classes.
Boys looking for good relationships and listeners are susceptible to the approaches of predatory priests, coaches, boy scout leaders, and girl friends. When these relationships betray them, even making them victims of sexual abuse, the results are as devastating to boys who opened themselves to those they trusted as is the effect of a total lack of relationships on other boys . Such boys conclude no one cares about them. They might as well use a gun to show they don't care about anyone, including themselves.
Equally troubling is the tendency the educational system has of assuming poverty, broken homes, and other traumas justify grouping all boys with such backgrounds in remedial classes rather than making an effort to separate out those who are gifted, nurtured in stable homes, or blessed with the genes and spiritual fortitude to overcome a less than perfect upbringing.
What it comes down to is: boys want a relationship with someone who wants them to be themselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment