Grandmotherly Love

In a country of 16.5 million, Zimbabwe psychiatrist Dr. Dixon Chibanda suspected grandmothers could supplement the limited attention the country's twelve trained psychiatrists provided those with depression and mental problems.

     What gave Dr. Chibanda the idea for his Friendship Bench organization was the way grandmothers took time to listen and guide, rather than tell people what to do. According to an article in TIME magazine (February 18 - 25, 2019), the medical journal, JAMA, in 2016 reported the positive benefits of the Friendship Bench approach to training grandmothers to provide role-playing and other behavior therapies.

     For everyone who has tried to teach a grandparent to send an email or use a smartphone, the wisdom of elders seems outdated. In the area of interpersonal relations, however, who is a better adviser than someone married for 40 or 50 years? For some suffering mental anguish, "forgive and forget" might be the best message. But "forgive and remember tomorrow is another day" is often more appropriate.

      Grandmothers offer immediate appointments, when the decision to live or not live is about to be made in the heat of the moment. They also serve cookies and tea or wine and cheese.

      From their years of experience, grandmothers can dredge up examples of how they or their best friends have survived similar thoughts of suicide, being gay, having an abortion, killing screaming kids, gaining weight, growing older, or a spouse cheating on or ignoring them. They also know the child who says "I hate you" or "F... you" will need a hug or to borrow the car minutes later.

     Grandmothers have suffered financial and overbooked woes that have eased or prompted a necessary review of priorities. They know someone who you never expected will step up when you need help, that prayer works, and that there's a way to handle almost anything, because, like the commercial says, they've seen a thing or two.

     They know how to love. And they love you.

     Grandfathers are great, too, but that's another story.

Celebrate Dr. Seuss' Birthday Mar. 2. Form a "Play Date" Book Club

Valerie and I have been friends ever since we sat on the floor in a little local library reading and whispering about Betsy Tasy books, when we were ten years old.

     On "Book TV" last weekend, I saw convicts who looked like they should have been playing in the Super Bowl reading and discussing a book in a Washington, D.C. prison.

     At any age, getting together to read and compare thoughts about books has the same kind of bonding effect and opportunity for open communication as old time quilting bees and barn raisings.

     Inviting one or more friends to bring the same book over for a discussion is just the thing when it's too cold or too hot to play outdoors. Besides stimulating discussion, books might also inspire children to write their own rhymes, draw illustrations, or make up stories. Many kids probably already have Doctor Seuss, Whimpy Kid, and Harry Potter books. One of my favorites, Madeline, might introduce a foreign culture and invite comparisons with school life at home and abroad. A "keyword" internet entry, like "new children's books," could suggest another selection book club members would like to buy.

     Today on the internet, I found Everybody Is Somebody by Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver and Come Find Me by Megan Miranda. At their book club, the Washington, D.C. convicts began their meetings by reading a short passage selected by a moderator who also asked a question to begin the discussion. An adult could open a children's book club the same way. In the case of Everybody Is Somebody, I'd be curious to know what young book club members would do if authors were going to visit their schools, and the day they were coming, the book club members were asked to host and introduce the authors at an assembly, but they never had read the authors' books and didn't know anything about the authors or their books.

     Come Find Me is described as a thriller about a teen brother and sister. With trafficking and the case of Jamie Closs in the news, it would be interesting to discuss what students would do if a classmate suddenly disappeared. What would they assume happened to their classmate? What would they do differently, if they made different assumptions?

     Not only friendships, but critical thinking, also can begin with a book.

   

"I Don't Like to Talk to People"

Sometimes a statistic jumps out at you. The December 2018/January 2019 issue of the AARP Magazine , originally targeted to "old" people over 55, reported one of its studies found, "a third of Americans over age 45 are lonely." There are seven billion people in the world, I thought, how is this possible?

     Then, I remembered hearing a young person, who was ordering pizza online, say, "I don't like to talk to people." In many parts of the world, modern life makes it possible to avoid talking to people. Besides ordering food, you can make appointments, do your banking, get a boarding pass, and order just about anything, from clothes to concert tickets to a date, online. Ear buds enable a person to cut off all contact with the outside world.

     When using social media to "talk" to people, I've noticed communication often is brief. If you venture a longer comment to express an opinion, you can be misunderstood or shutdown with an insulting reaction. Back and forth discussions frequently fail to exist.

     It also has become fashionable to reject God and to glorify the kind of individualism that makes people intolerant. They stop engaging in discussions with others and accept their own ideas as Gospel. Once someone casts aside the God-given Ten Commandments or teachings of Jesus, there is no universal secular moral code for a person to follow. It's easy to claim, "unbelievers can be highly moral people," but, through the centuries, people have substituted very questionable moral codes: white Europeans are better than blacks, browns, yellows, reds, and even Jews and dirty whites; capitalists decided they were free to make their own money-making rules because it's "survival of the fittest"; Ayn Rand said tap dancing was the only acceptable form of dancing, because it relied on rational thought not emotion.

     It seems there are many paths to loneliness. And there are many destructive remedies: suicide; joining a gang; addictions to food, alcohol, gambling, video gaming, exercise, couch potato binging, sex, and work; deciding not to talk to family members or to keep up with friends who are too stupid or who reject your ideas or lifestyle or you reject theirs.

     Over the past holiday season, I've heard people say, "Thanksgiving is just another day, and I'll be able to catch up on work." But I've also seen photos of smiling friends and couples traveling to different parts in the world. I've received a CD of a friend singing in a choir, and I've seen Facebook items from a mom proud of her son's performance as a hockey goalie. My granddaughter and I baked gingerbread cookies and argued about whether to use raisins or tiny chocolate chips for reindeer eyes. She asked me to name seven of her friends. I couldn't, but now I can.



   

   

   

Themes for Global Advertising

Leading up to any big holiday, we are used to seeing companies run ads featuring family and friends gathering to celebrate. When Singtel, a telecom company in Singapore, ran a Chinese New Year's ad that captured today's alternate reality, according to trendwatching.com, the ad outdrew those of competitors and scored nine million views on Facebook. Singtel's ad recognized how distance and busy, professional careers separate and sadden both parents and their "children" nowadays. The company captured this emotional longing to get together by showing the conversations, when plans to share the holiday were canceled. Greeting card companies also have a knack for helping family and friends share holidays, birthdays, sympathy and other emotions across the miles.

     In Singapore, Singtel found half of the population spent less than 36 hours each week with family members. I suspect that seems like a lot of time to empty nesters and young professionals alike. No advertiser wants to blatantly call, "Hey, you lonely people out there, do this," but, if you closely consider commercials, you'll see some ads show a satisfying life setting when someone is by themselves and others show the benefit of making an effort to get out to meet up with family and friends. Have a piece of candy; plan a party.

February 16: Celebrate Chinese Year of the Dog

Foreign languages express a dog's bark in different ways. In English, dogs go "Arf "or "Woof." In French, barking sounds like "Ouah, Ouah" and in Chinese, "Wang, Wang." "Wang Cai" is a popular name for Chinese dogs, because it means "prosperous wealth."

In the Chinese zodiac, those born in the Years of the Dog (1946, 58, 70, 82, 94, 2006, 18, etc.) are loyal, honest, just and have strong morals. They are great friends, because they give wonderful advice and help others break bad habits. It seems these loyal friends also could use a friend, since their friendly nature belies inner worry, anxiety, stress, and even pessimism that can cause unhealthy eating. They need to relax, maybe with yoga.

I guess those born in Dog Years should wear green, red, and purple which are said to be their lucky colors, and they should look forward to days on their lucky numbers: 3, 4, and 9. In contrast, they should stay away from blue and brown and beware of 1, 7, and 8.

What is a good profession for those born in Dog Years? Their ability to make correct judgments about people suits them for work as referees, lawyers, and interviewers.

No matter in what zodiac year Chinese children are born, they all like to celebrate the New Year, when they receive coins in red envelopes.

Where Will You Be Happiest in a New Country?

Where will it be easiest to make friends, if you move to a different country for any reason? At internations.org/expat-insider/, you can find the results of an InterNations survey of 14,000 respondents who moved to 67 countries. Countries are ranked for friendliness from the three most welcoming to foreigners (Taiwan, Uganda, and Costa Rica) to the least friendly (Czech Republic, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait).

Before moving to a different country, you can register for free at the InterNations website (internations.org) to find tips about moving to and living in any of 390 cities around the world. InterNations also can help you 1) connect with other expats in each city and 2) meet international people at exciting events there.

What Do Starbucks and ISIS Have in Common?

Whether you're friendless in a big city or big school, you're going to be drawn to a welcoming environment. Baristas who greet you by name and remember your order and organizations that promise boyfriends and a purpose in life have found the secret of success. They are not going to point out the down sides associated with what they offer.

     What can be done to counteract the lure of terrorist groups and gangs? Offer positive alternatives for bonding in sports teams, theater productions, church choirs, robot competitions. Provide classes in school and out that teach skills directly related to landing a good-paying career. Publicize internships that provide experience, not just in taking orders, but in an environment that invites them to contribute ideas and to learn to lead in a way that doesn't offend others.

     Separation of church and state need not be interpreted to rule out studying world religions in schools. Unless myths about Catholics, Muslims, Jewish people, Buddhists, and other religious followers are dispelled, these falsehoods will continue to undercut positive beliefs that can foster tolerance. Just as the Internet can be used to bully and promote violence, techies can use social media to muster posses that post cartoons, jokes, and songs that focus on fun and inclusion. What stylish young woman who works out to keep her figure trim and who keeps up on the latest mascara, nail polish, and hair and skin care advice really wants her boyfriend to demand she wear a burka?